I went to bed last night not knowing whether I’d wake up this morning. In fact I’ve been going to bed every single night for the past 3 years with this uncertainty. I’m not going to bed being negative or pessimistic, but rather with an appreciation that no day is a given. A reminder that each day counts, that each moment matters. So when I have woken up each morning for the past 1,095 mornings, I am always thankful, always grateful.
When I reflect back, it was the morning of the 11th December 2014, when I was in the waiting area of the clinic to learn my fate; I either had Crohn’s or Cancer. These two C words were on loop in my head following the colonoscopy and CT scan from a few days earlier (6th Dec).
It was cancer. And my life changed forever.
It was stage 4, and I was given a ‘small chance of success’.
A year later in Dec 2015, having had 18 cycles of chemotherapy, and a major surgery to remove my colon and some of my stomach, the news was to get worse;
“The cancer is growing
“The chemo isn’t working
“There’s nothing else we can do for you
So to be able to write these words now in December 2017, I am very humbled. It is a miracle I am still here, and I take nothing for granted. I have so many people to be thankful for, many of whom I do not know. Thank You.
There has been so many challenging and difficult moments. The pain has at times been unbearable, the physical along with the psychological, emotional and spiritual. The challenges continue.
There has also been so many moments of joy, of connection, of fun, of love. And it is always the little things that make the biggest difference.
The line from Gibran comes to mind “the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain”.
I do my best to remind myself as often as possible to dwell in the miracle of the moment, and to take each day as it comes.